Some time off (again)

Since my last post Iv played a combined total of 112 hands in which Iv lost about $500. So Iv had a few days off from it, and tried not thinking about poker at all. That's the trouble with downswings, your probably not playing great and are probably not really wanting to play but your stuck a whole bunch so you feel like you have to play. This is what I was like a couple of weeks ago and I did play and it didnt go too well, so i felt that maybe some time off will help. Right now Im kinda thinking I wana play a bit so I might start a session after this blog.

Iv just read a blog from a high stakes player. He's a top player and he's obviously very intelligent and his post really made me think. Here's a chunk from it;


Well, since I last updated, a lot of shit has gone down – mostly me gaining back momentum, getting on a run, and then getting bludgeoned over and over. I finally was back on a roll until yesterday I played Isildur1 at 50/100 NL and 100/200 PLO, losing about $500k to him. I ran 400k under EV. I ran really, really bad. This is by far the worst losing day I’ve ever had in my life, and I’ve never felt as much shock in my body as I felt during that match. It felt like I had just gone through a car crash. It bore down on me like an enormous mental weight, my body felt weak and tired, and my mind was too cloudy to couldn’t think of anything beyond the hands I was playing. I’ve never reacted that way to poker before. These last few months have been unfriendly, but yesterday the poker gods stretched my mouth wide open and took a huge and inglorious shit straight down my gullet.

So, since I’m a wannabe pseudo-intellectual, of course I have to rationalize this series of events. Poker sucks. I can’t run good. Randomness, variance simulations, survivorship bias, the people who tell the stories about poker are the people who've run good enough to seem to be worth listening to, blah blah blah. I want to write about that shit but who cares. Fuck that, fuck me. This is what I signed up for. Of all the hundreds of thousands of grinders who have tried to climb the mountain of poker, most of them have felt this moment before. Not everybody wins at poker, and for some the mountain is insurmountable.

I feel like it’s unfair. I look at the people around me who run good, who are rewarded for their efforts, for whom the good run and bad run come in equal shares, for whom their luck gives them room to breathe and remember the direction in which they’re climbing. I resent poker for pushing upon me this bad luck, even though I know the randomness must exist. I’ve seen the simulations, I’ve read the posts, I’ve even meditated on the idea countless times to myself. I’ve always known that if poker wanted to bury me, it could bury me so deep that I could never get out. I acknowledged the God of poker, and I’ve feared it, I have loved it. But I still put in my time. I still put in the hours playing, the hours studying, the hours coaching, the hours getting coached. I’ve done my share. I have been faithful, I have loved, and I have feared. I feel like it’s unfair.

This is what I feel.

But nevertheless, here I am. Buried. Buried so deep that I’d have to be the son of fucking God himself to get unburied. So since I am here in my grave, the only true way to unbury myself is to realize that there is no such thing as a grave unless one chooses to call it a grave. Where I am now is not a grave, nor is it above ground or anything in between. Where I am is where I am, it is my moment. From here, I begin to rebuild and reformulate. This is all there is. It’s time to start over. As much as I would like to think I am buried – as much as clinging to that idea makes me feel like what I have done in my past life defines me – I am not buried. I am here, I am alive; my hands and feet are alive. So I will climb.

That’s all I’m going to write in regards to that. Writing only does so much. I need to reset my mindset and reconstruct my narrative, and although writing can make it sound definite, it doesn't make it a part of my psyche. I guess what it'll take is time and work.


Anyways Im off to see what the poker gods have in store for me.

Jamie

Variance

So my comeback continued for a couple of days, having a 1k day on friday, then making about $400 the weekend. I was uber confident that I was gona crush this week and make a bunch, but pkr has other ideas and decided it was time I started running bad again. These 2 hands happened straight after each other.

I 3bet a fish with QQ on the button vs cut-off open and get snapped called and then get it in on the flop for a $500 pot on K Q 10, and get shown J9 and obv cant boat up. Then i 3bet the same player with JJ get called and lose to QQ on QJ2. Then my last hand of the session I got it in with KK vs A10s after Iv 5bet shoved and lose at which point I started to break everything around me. By the way it really hurts when you punch a wall.

I think I know where Im going wrong.... not calling 3bets out of position with Jack fucking 9!!!!!!!!
And folding A10s to a 5bet must be terrible. Im obviously not on their level. I should ask these players for some lessons.

Fwiw the guy with A10s is a decent player and I like his 4bet with it vs me in that situation. Its a play I like doing in certain situations vs decent regs for various reasons but once Iv shoved he's getting about 1.8-1 and he's at best 30% vs my range so its such an easy fold, its not even close imo.

Im annoyed that I didnt quit alot earlier than I did. As a rule I usually quit if I get stuck by 2 buy-ins, but I felt like I was playing ok and not tilting. In hindsight I dont think that was the case and I probably gave away a ton of money. Ill go through my session in holdem manger when Iv calmed down a bit.

This is what really pisses me off. I really hate playing badly and giving money away unnecessarily. Getting coolered in set-up spots I can deal with. I know that in the long run the luck will even itself out in these spots. I can admit that overall Iv probably run above expectation the past couple months. Most poker players never admit that they've run good, they only ever run bad.

Might have a day off 2moro, ill see how I feel. Going to thorpe park fright night wed :) cannot wait for that. Then defo back to the grind thursday and try and crawl my way out of the hole Iv dug 2day.

Comeback

So my 1k downswing turned into about $1400. Obviously at this stage I was hating poker and doubting my game etc. So yesterday, after my 6th losing session out of 7, I spent a few hours going through hands on holdem manager to try and see exactly where I was going wrong. I managed to spot 2 things in particular that was costing me money, but in general alot of it was just pure variance which at times led to me tilting off some more. Im generally pretty good at not tilting or quitting a session when running bad so Im a bit annoyed at myself for this.

So after this I was super confident again and just wanted to play some poker which I hadnt wanted to for ages. The very next session I managed to book a $300 win and so far 2day Im up about $800. Its such a good feeling to be winning again albeit just after 2 sessions. Fingers crossed this is the start of a mega upswing.

Another thing that gave me back some confidence in my game was my winrate. Despite being on a $1400 downswing my win rate since I started using holdem manager is 21 BB/100 (for non-poker players, this means winning 21 big blinds per 100 hands). Ok so my sample size isnt that big but Id be super happy if my long term winrate (100k hands+) was 15BB/100.

Also my mate Andy is leaving 2moro to go travelling round Thailand so I wana wish him gl, and hope ya have a good time. If you have half as much fun as I did you'll love it.

Love you all

Bad times

Things have been a bit crappy lately. I had a good week last week making about 1.3k in 4 days b4 going away for the weekend. But this week Iv really struggled to put any hours in. I just cant get motivated to play, despite feeling like I was playing the best I ever have last week. I know I shouldnt play when not in the mood but I feel as though I HAVE to play so I have, and my results have been awful. Iv just played so fucking bad its unreal. Iv pretty much gave away 1k this week. I might as well have just lit money on fire. Iv never been able to put in like 60 hrs a week. I have the shortest attention span ever, and I just cant play long sessions. I get bored so easily. It's something I really wish I could change. Any ideas anyone??

Iv realised that I have absolutely no will power whatsoever. I been trying to change a couple of little things in my life, such as not eating so much crap (I seriously eat so unhealthy) but I just cant stop myself. Iv also been trying to spend less money because I just waste so much on nothing, especially when Iv had a good session/week. So what do I do? Go and eat out 4/5 times a week and get loads takeaways. Well done Jamie, very clever.

Iv also been trying to play more poker (yeh right) and only play 1/2 because Im not rolled for 2/4. But the gambler in me just cant resist playing higher. Iv even played some 5/10 this week because there were some big fish. Im such a donk. I just gona withdraw and leave myself 1.5k in my account and withdraw it when I get to 2k and start again, its the only way I can stop myself.

Iv also tried to stop gambling on things I dont have an edge such as roulette, fruit machines, blackjack etc. Iv seriously blown so much at casinos and PKR blackjack. Iv been doing pretty well for the most part, I havnt been to casino in months, disable blackjack on PKR, but I still have to go and chuck money away on the fruity when I go to the pub (which is basically everyday). Maybe its the flashing lights and sound effects ha.

Bye